Buying a Tesla in California

Another California Tesla driver fell asleep at the wheel. It’s the 2nd time in a week. Remember when Californians drove convertible sports cars & were the envy of the world? Today, this is what I imagine it’s like buying a Tesla in California:

Customer walks into a Tesla dealer:

“Greetings Tesla dealer! My pronouns are pink & starfish. And I care so much about our clean air in California, that I wanna buy a new vehicle that’s made by mining giant cancers into the earth’s crust. Something that really exploits rare earth minerals, ya know? And something that causes deforestation while killing American jobs and literally killing impoverished 3rd-world workers. Do you have any vehicles like that? And will it come with a zero-emissions sticker?”

Tesla automotive barista:

“I’m sorry, but due to Covid, we limit direct communication with our customers. However, if you can fuck off to our website, you’ll see that we have 4 boring models in 4 boring colors to choose from. They all look the same, so just pick the size that corresponds to your designated income level. Delivery time is usually 3-months through never. Does that sound acceptable?

The customer:

“Yes! But here’s the thing: All these anti-depressants hit me like a ton of bricks sometimes. So I really just wanna sleep while I drive my car. And before you even say anything, I DON’T want to take Uber or public transportation because ewww… that’s for poors & immigrants. Who I TOTALLY LOOOVE by the way. OMG I have poor immigrant friends… they come to my house twice a week & I’d never be able to keep it clean without them! Life savers! But back on topic – I’m honestly very comfortable putting other peoples’ lives at risk & blindly trusting autonomous technology that’s being rushed to market. So long as you can assure me that your vehicles are delicate & disconnected enough to help me totally black-out I mean decompress when I’m behind the wheel. And one more thing, I’d like to rest assured knowing that I lose 80% of my vehicle’s value by the time I pay it off. I want something that’s really gonna be obsolete in 8 years. Totally useless & worthless & toxic. Like my last relationship am I right?!”