Fake Wheels - the Hyundai Ionic 5 N

Here are the bullet points of the new Hyundai Ionic 5 N: First off, this is really the first notable example of an EV hot-hatch on our shores… I guess of you don’t consider the Mustang Mach E GT. Damn did I just say that? I don’t even know what’s real anymore in this alternate universe. But nevertheless, that makes the Ionic 5 N one to watch.

Most of us are probably in the same boat thinking…

That the Ionic 5 N is a stand-out, nailed-it type of design. It’s looks damn good. I also read that Hyundai is releasing the 5 N in TEN colors (with matte & gloss options)… which should make a definite impact.

The Ionic 5 N makes 600hp…

With a peak of 641 horsepower if you hit the NOS button. Just kidding, no NOS, it’s just an extra special go-faster button that gives you a temporary boost of power (called N Grin Boost).

The chassis on the Ionic 5 N…

Has been strengthened with 42 more weld points & more adhesive. And the subframe has been beefed-up with stronger components & battery-chassis bracing. The 5 N is sitting on forged 21-inch wheels, and it also has the most serious brakes to ever go on a production Hyundai I believe.

Cooling has also been addressed…

As Hyundai is targeting the Ionic 5 N to a be a track-capable, endurance-capable EV. The 5 N has stacked radiators (one on top of the other) to keep fresh air flowing. It’s also got more venting in the nose, and dedicated brake cooling. The theory is: You can drive the 5 N at the track on Saturday, and then drive it to church on Sunday. Although when you consider the power & weight of the Ionic 5 N (~4,500lbs), you might wanna keep funneling money into that retirement fund. Ok now remove the ‘re’ & ‘ment’.

The interior is on par with other N models – which is a good thing. Bolstered seats, thick steering wheel, etc.

The Ionic 5 N, however, has a long list of…

Electronic fake posery bullshit that unsettles me. But I’m not gonna knock it till I try it. Wait, yeah I am. First off, it’s got 3 fake exhaust-modes to choose from. 1) Some spaceshippy thing. 2) A fighter jet. 3) The exhaust note of the turbocharged Elantra N. This is all speaker-driven of course, there’s absolutely nothing real about it. And it can be dialed up or down depending on how frickin’ dorky you’re feeling that day.

The electric 5 N also delivers simulated (fake) transmission shifts… copying the feel of a dual-clutch transmission. It has absolutely no beneficial purpose… other than to try & engage drivers by reminding us what real sports cars USED to feel like. And when you combine the fake transmission with the fake ‘Elantra N’ soundtrack mentioned above, you get the added cringe of fake pops-&-bangs from the imaginary-friend exhaust. You can also get some fake clutch kicks in there too.

That would all be real cool if…

I was writing about a Power Wheel for my child. But I’m a grown man writing about a real performance car in the 21st century. And while the actual performance of the Ionic 5 N is something to be excited about. The fake features are an absolute joke to any car enthusiast with any sense of authenticity. It’s – not – real. Whether or not you’re ok with that… well I guess that’s up to you.

What is real about the Ionic 5 N, however…

Is the price tag. Expect the Ionic 5 N to realistically be somewhere around $70,000. For a Guitar Hero version of a hot-hatch. Admittedly though, it’s faster than anything I own… so there’s that. But let’s just take a minute & think about the cars you can get for $70,000. Yeah.