By Joe Gustafson


Let’s get to business. VIP cars are real slick, Slick. But no one has applied the VIP stylings to their most suitable platform – 90s, American, luxury cars. There – I said it.

By the early 1990s, the Muffys and Biffs had won. The BMW 3-Series (E30) set the tone, and the popped collars followed suite. Everyone had to wear driving gloves spritzed in European cologne. Luxury cars had to ‘handle’, and the terms dynamics, soul, and response became de-facto tools in the automotive journalist lexicon.

Left out was Lincoln, Cadillac, Mercury, and Chrysler. The unions refused to make anything that was small and could handle (minus the DSM). They soldiered on into the 90s to produce soft, floaty, opulent couches until either their death (Mercury), or the turn of the millennium (CTS). These dinosaurs were unfashionable, and not well-received – unless you were an octogenarian.

But this is where the opportunity lies.

E30s have been bought, swapped, resto’d, and BBS’d to death. In fact – if there is an E30 that hasn’t, Stanceworks is sending a crack team to find it.

But no one has done it yet… to the litany of forgotten 90s ‘luxury’ cars. Many have been donked, chromed, stereo’d, impounded, and broken into… but a veritable majority sit in need of repair and TLC for their opulent hides. The hardest part about owning a luxury car is the repair, it can be very expensive for parts unless you get used car parts.

And opulent they are.

Take the Lincoln MKVIII for example. The style is so smooth it makes Prince blush, and the interior is as if the U.S.S. Enterprise had a romp with Versailles (architectural fanfic is the new furry). For less than 2 stacks, you get HID headlights (1995+), swaths of creaky leather, real wood, the aluminum 4.6L V8, independent rear suspension, puddle lamps, and a voice activated cellular phone maybe.


And the best part is – it’s already on bags.

For $2000 – or less if you lowball a granny.

So why pay double for a Lexus that only wished it was a Lincoln? So you can be Bippu? Spoiler alert: those Japanese gangsters are just trying to be American bad-boys anyway. You see Matthew McConaughey driving a Lexus – nope. You see the Entourage crew rolling around in an SC or a GS? I don’t think so. Lincoln don’t lie baby! This is a caviar feast on a Miller High Life budget.

As it sits today, the Mark VIII might have a slight case of the 90s fugly’s – sure. But drop it down low on some Roti-Modulars with a little bit of poke – and you’ll be good to go breh. Not to mention, that 4.6 is only like the most modded wheelie-poppin’ Ford motor in existence.

Opulence, you can has it.

Learn more here